Secret Secrets

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I like to keep secrets, particularly my own. I don’t know what it is, I don’t know why, but having secrets has always made me feel more important. But I’ve gotten to a point lately that makes me question my purpose for keeping all these secrets. Secrets used to make me feel powerful, like I knew something no one else did. It made me feel like no one could ever really judge me, because no one ever really knew me. (Cause I’m sure that’s a healthy method of thinking). But If someone didn’t like me, I could chalk it up to lack of information. However, as of late, my secrets are starting to feel more like a poison. Like acid burning me up from the inside out.

I’m tired of hiding, I’m tired of secrets, and I’m tired of struggling in silence. There is so much more to me than what I put out there. And I suddenly can’t think of one good reason to keep up this empty persona.

To the world, I put out an image. I want to come off as laid back, easy going, calm, rational, and free of problems. Not only is that boring, it’s an absolute fucking lie.

I decided I wanted to be “laid back” when I was 16 years old. I had a crush on an older guy, and he was off limits. I’ll never forget when one of his friends told me – “if it weren’t for the age difference, we might be a great fit, because I’m so laid back like him”. I had already been putting off this false persona, but it wasn’t until that day that it became cemented into my existence. Suddenly, appearing laid back was my priority. I wanted everyone to think I was calm, cool, and collected. This is what the boys wanted, right? I adopted this personality trait like it was my job. I tried to pretend like I didn’t care about anything, and convinced myself that “going with the flow” was the best way to live.

Spoiler alert: It’s not.

When you “go with the flow”, you get lost in the current. You float around mindlessly waiting for a person or circumstance to tell you what to do.

Being laid back, as hard as I’ve tried, is not me. I am tortured with an anxiety that I cannot escape. I overthink every single thing, and I have dealt with depression for years.

I have become obsessed with seeming “cool” and it has done me absolutely no favors. It has torn me away from making my own decisions, and has made me lose purpose. I am a person who feels many things, and it was wrong of me to pretend like I knew nothing but nonchalant happiness.

Happiness is hard, and doesn’t come from floating through life.

Happiness is a mindset, and it’s a choice you have to make every single day, over and over again – to be happy.

I no longer see the value in hiding my struggles, and I’m tired of pretending to be what I’m not. I’m an emotional person, with many struggles, who is tired of hiding herself inside a world full of secrets. I want to own who I am, messiness included.

Starting to write my thoughts on the internet and put them out there for anyone and everyone to see, is scary to me. This will destroy the persona I have been building for over 10 years. But I need to rid myself of that false sense of self. I’m done pretending like everything is perfect. Nothing is perfect. Nothing will ever be perfect. No one will benefit from me lying to myself, especially not me. I feel like on some level, though, we all try to hide our feelings. We all try to pretend like it’s ok. But maybe it’s ok if things aren’t ok? Maybe by admitting this, we can help everyone else who isn’t ok, realize they are ok in not feeling ok. Which in turn, gets us all closer to actually feeling true peace.

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